You have to sit perfectly still, because if you move you might fall, and this time you may never get back up. 

Your eyes fill with tears and you think of many things.

The last kiss you had that you didn't know was your last. You tell yourself what it was like, the lips, the warmth, the moisture. But you don't remember his eyes that you had once gazed into, those blue eyes with flecks of yellow. There was a time when you could recall every speck, when you named every freckle on his nose. The particular shade of his eyelashes. But now, it's out of focus, and everything is bright and unclear. 

You think about being in the 1st grade and losing your best friend, her name was Patty. She had light brown hair and her eyes were too big for her face. She invited you to her birthday party over the weekend and you couldn't go because your mom made you go to your grandma's house. On Monday Patty told you Rene was her best friend now. At lunch time you sit on the bench by the swings, there is sand in your sandals and you are alone. You look around and wait for a swing to be free. The bench is warm and your feet dangle and hover a few inches from the ground.

You think about holding your grandfather's hand while he died. You can see his chest move up and down, slower and slower. His chest becomes still and everything stops. His hand is still warm in your hand and you wait for him to breath. And when he doesn’t, you hold onto his hand tighter.

You think about everything that has broken your heart. You think about all the new ways your heart can be broken. And you wonder how much more you can take.

So you sit very still and you wait for love.

You wait for something to hold you and nurture you, whisper in your ear, “Everything will be fine.”

You hardly notice tears are streaming down your face. And you hope with your whole heart that things will be different someday.

And to an empty room, you whisper a plea to no one in particular:

“Please hurry.”